forlornly

do i only bring you madness?
you ask, why am i full of sadness?
i feel as though i do nothing right
as i try with all my might
to do good by you...

do i make you smile or weep
or do i only make it hard for you to sleep?
my heart aches as you scorn me
and i'm left feeling forlornly
when i do something wrong...

i work so hard to make you happy
but you tell me my work is crappy
you said i need to humble myself
how is that supposed to help
when you don't look at what I HAVE done for you...

instead, you take a list of where i failed
doing as my mother did before i bailed
i don't feel like trying anymore
when i'm left feeling not adored
instead, i feel like your boarder...

sometimes, you make me ask, "when is my lease up?"

Home

There once was this place I knew
I called it home.
It was filled with beautiful flowers.
There stood massive-sized towers
while the woods were filled with gnomes.

I was the princess of this land
with a scepter at my side.
I owned a fur coat of mink
In my favorite color: pink
As I stood tall with pride.

I went on daring adventures
All full of excitement.
I learned new words
And rode on big birds
With a fascinating feeling of enlightenment.

Then, one day,
I turned a year older.
Suddenly my world was gone.
I learned life must go on
And the fire within would smolder.

Today, I am not sure.
I do not know where home went.
It seems as though I hop from place to place
At an alarmingly fast pace
To find out where my home was sent.

I'm lost
And I feel broken
Unsure of what to do.
Then, I turn to you
And I say words I've never spoken:

"I love you."

Suddenly, I have found home again.
And I couldn't be more sure.
I'm glad I'm in your life
And I want to be your wife.
This is us, forevermore.

Freedom 2010

My blood flows not red
It flows many colors
Just like a bright rainbow
Painted against the baby blue sky

My heart doesn't beat
It glitters and flutters
Like the wings of a fairy
Granting the wishes of the little boys of this land

With our hands held together
We are a bridge
Can we cross it together?
Will we come together on this?

Our love should pound
Should break apart the chains
Of oppression and discrimination
To reveal an accepting, loving home

I am human
You are human
We are human
Why cannot we be treated as such?

Eternally Pt 1

How? How did I find you?
You came to me in a dream.
Your picture stared at me
I knew I'd love you eternally.
Never did I know I would love
Love this strong again.
I feared the fire had burned me out,
Hollowed out my heart.
And you planted a seed there,
A paradise has grown where hell used to be.

I counted each pixel of your photo.
Downloaded it to my hard drive
Saved it under ETERNITY.
I pasted it to my heart.
Now it is my profile picture
And I show it off to everyone.
It represents me and you,
My heart, my love for us together.
Comment away, press the "Like" button
Just stay, please stay, I know you'll stay.

With every click clack of my heels,
You love me unconditionally.
Support, love, and eternity you give to me.
They'll stare at us
With their jealousy.
We'll be bigger than Angelina and Brad.
You humor me: "I'll be bigger than Gaga."
And you'll call me Ja-Ja.
I don't want the paparazzi following me,
I just want you with me in bed every night.

Oh boy, you've left me speechless
After all these years of talking shit,
Of always putting on a front, you see me.
And I'd give it all up,
Yes I'd give it all up,
This is a promise, boy, to you.
You see me, and you love me,
I'm not a loser in love after all.
Forever and for always, eternally,
I love you and you love me.

Phantom Limb Syndrome

The feelings are still there
But he isn't.

I can't sleep
Because it all comes rushing back to me.

Late at night, when I try to force myself to sleep,
I can't stop thinking of how it was supposed to be.

The plans we made;
I thought maybe we would get married.

I loved him so much,
Yet he couldn't feel the same for me.

I'm stuck in this hellacious cycle
While he gets to move on with his life.

I'm one limb down
Only so many to go.

Failure Pt 2

All I wanted was to be happy.

I wanted to love you and be there for you.

You were supposed to love me completely.

And the masses are screaming,

"GET OVER IT!"

But I can't!

I did everything.

Sacrificed so much of myself.

It was supposed to be my final battle.

I'm always on the battlefield.

So, where's my soldier!?

He left me.

Left me for dead.

And somehow, I survived.

WHY!? Why God?

What am I to do on this plane?

I want to know if there is a plan.

If so, what is it?

Can I get some sort of indication?

Something to tell me I'm on the right track?

Failure stares me in the face.

I see it in my father's eyes,

My nephew's eyes,

In His eyes.

He told me to not blame myself,

But what am I to do?

I obviously did something wrong.

Why did he pick me though?

He said I was special.

I was beautiful and amazing.

He said I was so pretty.

Was it all lies?

I tried to be okay with it.

Prove to him I could deal.

Maybe he would've came back.

But all the madness,

All the psychotic bullshit

It kept spewing craziness at me.

He looked so complacent,

So happy to be rid of me.

I felt like nothing more

Than a lost puppy.

And he kicked at me constantly.

I was a stray amongst his friends.

I felt so lost.

All I wanted was a home,

A place to be happy and accepted.

Now, I'm back to square one.

Failure.

Is that all I am?

Co-Pilot

I don't know who has the wheel.

I'm not even sure where I'm at at this point.

I just know I wasn't supposed to be back here.

I had promised everyone differently.

I guess I failed there.

MJ says he failed many times.

But maybe they were just making excuses.

Maybe I'm just making excuses.

Yeah, I might be.

However, I'm going at it.

I'm like a ferocious tiger cat.

All hunched down in the jungle.

I see the delicious wildebeest grazing.

I hunger for it.

Waiting for it.

I will be full once I have it.

But I'm not in complete control.

Something else has control of me.

I'm doing what I can, yes.

Yet I'm not really the pilot.

Someone has taken the wheel.

Was Ms Underwood correct?

Did Jesus take my wheel?

Obviously I failed at taking it before.

I made the wrong turn.

Took the wrong detour.

I'm trying to take it for the scenery, at least.

I'm still mad about the failure of the journey.

I was supposed to have climbed that mountain.

But as Miley says, it's about the climb.

Yeah, I'm quoting a Disney whore.

Again, I'm not in control of the wheel.

Sometimes, the Universe just says HERE: epiphanies.

And sometimes, they come in Disney Whore form.

I have no control over that, whatsoever.

I deleted Vampire Weekend.

Good band; bad memories.

I was in control then.

Imogen Heap hasn't gone down the drain yet.

Not sure why.

I haven't even listened to the bitch.

It was downloaded four months ago.

I hope Lady Gaga gets stuck in his head.

For a million years!

I hope in Heaven/Hell, it's Lady Gaga 24/7.

She's a crazy, awesome bitch.

Until he loves me, I'll be his paparazzi.

Oh no, not literally.

I'm so over Him.

I'm just quoting a song.

Okay.

Gotta get in control.

I'm rambling, talking crazy.

Oh wait... too late.