Phantom Limb Syndrome

The feelings are still there
But he isn't.

I can't sleep
Because it all comes rushing back to me.

Late at night, when I try to force myself to sleep,
I can't stop thinking of how it was supposed to be.

The plans we made;
I thought maybe we would get married.

I loved him so much,
Yet he couldn't feel the same for me.

I'm stuck in this hellacious cycle
While he gets to move on with his life.

I'm one limb down
Only so many to go.

Failure Pt 2

All I wanted was to be happy.

I wanted to love you and be there for you.

You were supposed to love me completely.

And the masses are screaming,

"GET OVER IT!"

But I can't!

I did everything.

Sacrificed so much of myself.

It was supposed to be my final battle.

I'm always on the battlefield.

So, where's my soldier!?

He left me.

Left me for dead.

And somehow, I survived.

WHY!? Why God?

What am I to do on this plane?

I want to know if there is a plan.

If so, what is it?

Can I get some sort of indication?

Something to tell me I'm on the right track?

Failure stares me in the face.

I see it in my father's eyes,

My nephew's eyes,

In His eyes.

He told me to not blame myself,

But what am I to do?

I obviously did something wrong.

Why did he pick me though?

He said I was special.

I was beautiful and amazing.

He said I was so pretty.

Was it all lies?

I tried to be okay with it.

Prove to him I could deal.

Maybe he would've came back.

But all the madness,

All the psychotic bullshit

It kept spewing craziness at me.

He looked so complacent,

So happy to be rid of me.

I felt like nothing more

Than a lost puppy.

And he kicked at me constantly.

I was a stray amongst his friends.

I felt so lost.

All I wanted was a home,

A place to be happy and accepted.

Now, I'm back to square one.

Failure.

Is that all I am?

Co-Pilot

I don't know who has the wheel.

I'm not even sure where I'm at at this point.

I just know I wasn't supposed to be back here.

I had promised everyone differently.

I guess I failed there.

MJ says he failed many times.

But maybe they were just making excuses.

Maybe I'm just making excuses.

Yeah, I might be.

However, I'm going at it.

I'm like a ferocious tiger cat.

All hunched down in the jungle.

I see the delicious wildebeest grazing.

I hunger for it.

Waiting for it.

I will be full once I have it.

But I'm not in complete control.

Something else has control of me.

I'm doing what I can, yes.

Yet I'm not really the pilot.

Someone has taken the wheel.

Was Ms Underwood correct?

Did Jesus take my wheel?

Obviously I failed at taking it before.

I made the wrong turn.

Took the wrong detour.

I'm trying to take it for the scenery, at least.

I'm still mad about the failure of the journey.

I was supposed to have climbed that mountain.

But as Miley says, it's about the climb.

Yeah, I'm quoting a Disney whore.

Again, I'm not in control of the wheel.

Sometimes, the Universe just says HERE: epiphanies.

And sometimes, they come in Disney Whore form.

I have no control over that, whatsoever.

I deleted Vampire Weekend.

Good band; bad memories.

I was in control then.

Imogen Heap hasn't gone down the drain yet.

Not sure why.

I haven't even listened to the bitch.

It was downloaded four months ago.

I hope Lady Gaga gets stuck in his head.

For a million years!

I hope in Heaven/Hell, it's Lady Gaga 24/7.

She's a crazy, awesome bitch.

Until he loves me, I'll be his paparazzi.

Oh no, not literally.

I'm so over Him.

I'm just quoting a song.

Okay.

Gotta get in control.

I'm rambling, talking crazy.

Oh wait... too late.

By Myself

I did it without you.

I suffered all the heartache, all the pain.

You cried out off anger.

I cried out of sadness.

I said mean, hateful things.

You meant them.

I strove to be with you.

It was nothing for you to walk away.

So just walk away.

And I'll pick myself up.

You asked if you could help pack me away.

No, I packed myself up before, no thanks to you.

I'll do it again, all by myself.

Burn

What he sees:

A flamboyant child.
An extravagant sissy.
A haughty queer.
An excessive faggot.
A pompous fairy.
A flaming homo.

What I see:

A rising phoenix.
A magnificent star.
A non-extinguishable flame.
A powerful light.
A kindling fire.
A scorching inferno.

Watch how I burn.
Watch how you smolder.
Watch how I rise.
Watch how you die.

Smile

He's falling, failing.

I should feel bad, but I don't.

Deep down, he'll recover.

He's a strong one, that one.

But I will also endure.

I crashed hard.

There's only one way to go from here.

Up.

The same will happen for him.

Maybe this was something we both needed.

Lessons to be learned.

I know my lessons.

I read them everyday.

I'm a stronger person for it.

He has learned his lessons as well.

I just don't believe he's reading his.

He's ignoring them.

Concentrating so hard on other things.

So, his mind is making him ill.

He's been sick.

No doubt a battle between his conscious and sub-conscious.

His sub-conscious is winning.

Forcing him to give in and rest, relax.

He doesn't know how to though.

I hope the best for him.

As he falls, as he fails.

I can't help but smile.

God help him.

Failure

Did I really give it my all?
Did I set myself up for failure?
Did I sabotage myself?

What did I do wrong?
What must I do to fix it?
What is the matter with me?

How do I fix it?
How do I get back up?
How does anyone deal with this pain?

Why must I endure?
Why do I fight?
Why do I cry?

When will it get better?
When will the pain stop?
When will I grow up?

Who is to blame?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be with?

Where do I go?
Where is home?
Where is my strength!?

Good Deeds

I took care of him yesterday.
He had the flu, or maybe strep.
He thinks I'll get sick.
I laughed in his face.

My lip piercing is fine.
I take care of it well.
It burns with the Dove.
Dove kills the germs though.

I'm thinking about staying.
Should I stay or should I go?
There is good here.
It's not home though.

I am trying to stay strong.
It's been good lately.
I might have a personality disorder.
How fun!

It's been about attention.
I've craved it for so long.
It's an addiction I must break.
At least there aren't any shakes.

Decisions, Decisions

Stay or go.
Win or lose.
Fight or quit.
Happiness or bitterness.
Sadness or madness.
Rockford or Tulsa.
Which one is the lesser of two evils?

Histrionic

I am:

loving
caring
nice
sweet
funny
honest
trustworthy
amazing
awesome
sexy
super cute
fun
adorable
shy
drama
hilarious
overt
extra
super, thanks for asking
gay
queer
miserable
tired
attention seeking
crazy
psycho
a bitch
totally not the person to fuck with
interesting
interested
lost
unsure
insecure
broken
battered
pieces of confetti left on the floor for the masses to devour
bright
intelligent
brave
a scaredy-cat
a crybaby, WAH WAH WAH
good
living
dying
breathing
eating
defecating
writing
listening
not hearing
cold
hot
histrionic.